Læs dagbog

It made sense, when I had the idea. It was me trying to fix an issue, that could be easily fixed, so I didn't have to carry around this crappy feeling for several weeks.

In my head I know everything is fine, but in my body all I feel is that last hug goodbye. It was one of the hardest things emotionally, I've had to do for a long time. And now it's stuck. The feeling is stuck. When I think about being close to you, that's what I feel, and I really don't like it. I wanted to erase that memory.

I know I can probably fix it on my own given enough time, but I just don't wanna feel like this. I knew it would end immediately if I just felt your arms around me without that knot in my stomach, I had the other day. If I could just release myself and feel the warmth of your embrace, it would have gone away.

It made sense. It really did. Me taking care of myself and fixing the situation in the best and easiest way possible. But then I choked. Something snapped and it was no longer me being sane and reasonable, it was me being needy, and I can't do that. I'm not allowed, it's stupid, and I don't want to be like that.

This is my own mess. These are my feelings, and even though you were involved in the situation that caused this, it is my mess to clean up. It was caused by my fucked up head, it's my body doing kickflips and it's my feelings in a bundle. I'm the one who has to fix this, and I will.

I don't know how, and I don't know how long it's going to take or what it'll do to me in the process, but it's my mess to fix, so I'll fix it. And I'll do so alone. Because I have to.